A Manifesto for the Not-So-Dexterous

I apologise for my recent disappearance. My only excuse is that I live in England and the sun has been out for the past two weeks, which from my experience is most likely to be both the start and the finish of the elusive “British Summer” and therefore had to be celebrated. Not to worry though, I am sure that the inevitable forthcoming three months of rain will give me all the time in the world to be prolific.

Aside from limiting my time and causing an awkward standstill in my general brainpower and creativity, these past few weeks of celebration (better known as outdoor drinking) have had some more conspicuous side effects. In the form of a bountiful array of heavy black bruises, covering my legs to the point that I fear I would have to ward off the lustful advances of confused Dalmatians were I to leave the house in shorts ever again. Circling the heavier black bruises are little smatterings of smaller bruises and minor scrapes and abrasions. You could quite literally draw out the constellations on my legs right now.

I believe that I belong to a select tribe of people who simply react more strongly than others to the Earth’s gravitational pull. This occurs in both the downward and sideways directions; if I am not cascading to the ground, I am bumping into a large and obvious object I failed to note was in the way. And it doesn’t stop there. This phenomenon is so powerful that it can extend to any and all objects in my vicinity. For some reason or another, it seems to have a greater impact on liquids, particularly those with the ability to stain. The reason for this partiality is still to be determined.

Not as easy as it looks.

In the past many have offered me advice. “Be careful”, “move less quickly”, “watch where you’re going/what you’re doing”, “try not to spill that”. But as anyone who, like me, is particularly sensitive to the power of gravity will know, telling someone so epically maladroit to “be more careful” after a heavy plummet to the ground is about as effective as trying to tell two pandas to go ahead and procreate. I believe there is a greater power at hand here which cannot be controlled or explained.

So, to those out there like me, there is only one thing to do. Hold your head high (since looking where you’re going has proven fruitless anyway), cover your legs in the presence of spotted mammals, and embrace your unique relationship with the surface of the planet. And remember that towels and stain removers are your best friend. Damage control is essential.

The savior of many friendships.

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Published in: on June 2, 2010 at 11:21 am  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I had the opportunity to enjoy a week of outdoor drinking, ahem – celebrating, in sunlit London and Brighton four years ago and all I have to say – bloody brilliant.

    Still, I’m glad to see you back. And thanks for demonstrating how much clumsier I could get (and therefore should not complain about my 1 – yes, one – bruise).

  2. We also just got our first taste of summer. Finally! Alas, the rain started again this morning.

    I feel your pain. I’m still as clumsy as a long limed teen in the middle of a growth spurt. Thankfully I do not bruise too easily.


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